How Sour Puss and Grey Fur Meet

Note: I wrote this with my son in mind - I wrote it as though I was telling it to him. It's intended to be read to, and I hope enjoyed by, children. I don't know the age that's appropriate - my son is 4 and I think he'd love it. It's meant to be somewhat morphic, so feel free to change little details to fit your child better. I did write it as a homage to one of my favorite children's stories growing up, The Owl and the Pussycat. I've read that so many times to my son that I still have it mostly memorized. 

This story starts in a castle; one that is large and full of rooms and winding staircases, but one that is also full of silence, its only inhabitants a particularly sour kitty and her servants. Well, at least, those are the only ones we know about for now.

This sour kitty is known by all as Princess Sour Puss, and she is a real... Well, sour puss. She might be pretty - her fur is soft and orange, her eyes golden, her dresses are always beautiful and full of twirl. Yes, I did say she wears dresses. She is a cat that wears dresses, she's anthropomorphic; she looks somewhat like a human, like you and me; she walks on two legs and uses her front paws like hands, and she has hair on her head in addition to the normal fur... No, there are no humans in this world, it's filled with other anthropomorphic animals like Sour Puss. Yes, there are regular animals, too, they are known as 'civilized' and 'wild' animals. She wears very pretty clothes all the time, frilly dresses with skirts made of tulle, in all variety of colors, and she ties ribbons in her hair and bows... And she changes her clothes constantly, they're never good enough. She always seems to be on a quest to find the perfect outfit. I'm not sure what she'd do if she found it... Anyway, about every five minutes she orders her mouse servants to prepare a new outfit for her. Yes, she does take breaks to eat on occasion, but even then, it's never right. The mice bring her dry food when she asked for wet, or a bird when she asked for a fish. And oh, boy, when she gets angry, it's a sight to behold. Her fur puffs up, her ears flatten, and then what she says... Well, she usually threatens to eat her servants. She never does, partially because it's frowned upon to eat another talking creature and even a princess can get in some serious trouble for that, and partially because she's not a very good huntress, as her food has always been handed to her already killed. She's never even caught herself a wild mouse, and they run rampant throughout the castle. Not that she'd want to, they tend to be rather stringy and not very good. Yes, I suppose one could cover them in ketchup, that does tend to make many things taste better, but why bother when she can just make one of her servants catch her a tasty fish?

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes, Princess Sour Puss. Well, eventually she scared off all her servants - wouldn't you be scared, if someone about six times your size and thousands of times your weight threatened to eat you? So, they all left, and she couldn't find anyone else willing to serve her, so she woke up on the day that our story starts with no one to help her get dressed. She spent hours dressing, and only stopped because she got hungry. Of course, all the food was gone - during the night, the wild mice came and took it away, leaving them all plump and happy. With them being so full of food you'd think that even a lazy cat like Sour Puss could catch one, but they were still too fast for her. Kept scuttling out of her reach. She tried for quite some time before giving up; she curled into a ball and mewed pitifully. The mice would have laughed if they could. Wait. Someone IS laughing. She raises her head, looks around. She mews louder, more pitifully; someone is laughing at her and she doesn't know who! Poor Sour Puss!

A voice calls out from above her, singing in a jolly tone,
"Sour Puss, Sour Puss
What a nasty kitty you are
You may be pretty with your soft orange fur
but over everything, you make such a fuss
Inside you must be rotten to the core."

Sour Puss looks up to find a handsome cat perched on her chandelier - how dare he! - and he's laughing.
"Oh, you inconsiderate cat,
How dare you stand on my chandelier
You may be handsome but you are no gentlecat
I'll call my guards and they'll drag you out of here!"

He swings himself down by his tail - a rather impressive feat, most cats don't have prehensile tails. "What guards?" As he swoops, he grabs two of the plumpest, juiciest of the wild mice, and pops one in his mouth then, landing next to her, gives Sour Puss the other.
"Those are my mice!" She shouts as she eats the one given to her. "Go catch me another."
"Ah, but Princess, I've come to catnap you." He grabs a hold of her waist and leaps onto the windowsill. "And now that I've stolen you, all that's yours is mine, and you have to follow MY orders!" He grins, showing off his pointy teeth.
"No one catnaps me!" She struggles to get out of his paws; he lets go and she starts to fall out the window. She quickly grabs at his leg. "Help me!" She screams.
He lifts her up. "Now, then, can we agree I've catnapped you?"
She sniffs. "A catnap is something I take in the afternoon, after tea and biscuits. NO ONE catnaps ME." She puts her nose in the air. "I will give you all these mice in exchange for your taking me away from this dreadful castle. I was starting to hate it here, anyway, it's far too drafty."
He laughs. "Well, ok, Princess, where do you want to go?"
"Well, you're a pirate, aren't you?" She wrinkles her nose. "You certainly smell like one."
"Oh, Princess, I am THE Captain Grey Fur, owner of the beautiful Green Legume, and that smell you refer to is the wonderful smell of freedom and adventure."
"Well, freedom and adventure stink. But no matter, let's get going."
"As you wish." He then swings himself out the window, onto the exterior castle wall, and proceeds to climb down.
"We COULD have just used the front door, like civilized cats."
"Ah, but where's the adventure? The danger? It's not worth it if there's no thrill!"
"I don't think getting eaten by those wild crocodiles down there would be much fun."
"Do not worry, little Sour Puss, I have my faithful saber." He pats the sword on his hip. "I would cut open the belly of any crocodile that dared to eat you, my golden Princess."
"Hmph."
He continues to crawl down the wall until he gets about halfway down, then he whispers in her ear, "Now hold tight!" He barely gives her time to respond before he launches himself off the wall, literally flying across the crocodile-infested moat below them, landing on the other side gracefully and tucking his wings back under his thick fur. Yes, I did say wings!
"What are those? Do you have wings? I've never met a Chimera before. To be honest, I've never really met anyone before, that wasn't my family or my servants..."
"Yes, my great-great-grandfather was an owl. Wings have been in my family ever since."
Sour Puss scratches her head. "So, um, how did that work out, between... I mean... Um... Well... ANATOMY!" She finally screams.
He shakes his head. "You don't want to know. But no matter... Let's have a picnic then be on our way, shall we?"
She perks up. "You have food?"
"Yes, of course." He pulls a pouch out from his fur - she can't help but wonder what else he has in there, and he opens it up to reveal slices of a green fruit that looks like an apple and little pies. "Quince and mince pies, milady."
She takes a bite of a pie. "Well, I suppose it'll do..." Then she finishes the pie and licks her fingers and the plate, and looks around for more.
"So, tell me, Princess, why are you always so grumpy?"
"I'm not always grumpy!" She pounces on an unsuspecting quince and eats it up.
"You scared off all your servants and guards... I didn't actually come to catnap you, I came to find out why hundreds of civilized mice were looking for work in the pirate bars. They all told me about you."
"Well, I... Hmph." She folds her arms and looks forlornly at the castle.
"Where is your family?"
She points at the castle. "In the dungeons."
"WHAT? Why is your family in the dungeons?"
"Well, you see, it started with my oldest brother, Tom. He was next in line for the throne, but he didn't want to wait for my father to give it to him, so he orchestrated a coup and sent my father and mother down to the dungeons. He only lasted a few months before the mice helped my next oldest brother, Alley, to overthrow him... Next came Garfield, then Simon, then Cheshire, and finally me. I'm the youngest of six and the only girl..."
"Did you overthrow someone, too, then?"
"Well, not really. I mean, Cheshire was always disappearing at random times. So it was easy to take the throne, then when he tried to come back, the guards locked him up. But someone had to tell the mice what to do or they'd run rampant!"
"And what, you couldn't think of anything better to tell them than to constantly fit you into new outfits?"
"No, OK? I couldn't..." Sour Puss starts to cry. "I just wanted my family to be happy but they were always fighting. I thought... Well, I thought that if I looked pretty enough, they'd be nicer and we could be happy again..."
"That didn't happen?"
She shakes her head. "No, nothing worked. I'd go visit them, late at night, when the mice were asleep, and they were still so mean, all of them except my mother. Always fighting through the bars. I stopped going after a while, it was too sad..." She curls herself up and mews sadly.
Grey Fur started to sing, "Oh, dear Sour Puss.
No wonder you are so sour
You have surely had some hard hours
I have a wonderful solution
We'll set them free to choose their own actions,
then together we'll sail the sea on a world tour."
She lifts her head up and looks at him. "Really? You'd help me do that? Why?" She sounds very suspicious. I'd imagine you would, too, if you had such a nasty family as she.
He stands up, one paw in the air, the other on his hip, and shouts, "Adventure!"
"Oh, bother."
"Besides, I couldn't leave them there, even if they are as rotten as you've described. They'd starve with no food!"
"There are wild mice down there..."

Together they walk back to the castle - yes, this time they went through the front door, I suppose Grey Fur had enough adventure coming his way already.
"Which way to the dungeons?"
"Well, behind the throne, of course."
"Of course, of course..."
She leads him to the throne - which was really just a large cardboard box with a pillow and catnip toy inside - and then paws aside the tapestry behind it, revealing a winding, dark, drafty staircase, the only light from flickering candles on the walls, and an infinite chasm to the left. "It's easier if you crawl," she whispers.
"Why are you whispering?" He whispers back.
"Well... There might be ghosts?"
"Ghosts don't scare me!" He announces rather too loudly, and a strong gust blows through, several candles losing their flames, and an eerie noise comes up from the chasm.
Sour Puss glares at him. "Now look what you've done..."
He drops his voice. "Ok, maybe they do a little bit. But just a little. Just enough that I'll whisper from now on..."
"Good. Now follow close behind, with the lights out I don't want you to trip -"
And of course he didn't follow, he wanted to lead, so he rushed ahead and landed on a trap, and the stair opened up to reveal the chasm beneath. Luckily he was able to grab a hold of the stair in front of him, and Sour Puss was able to pull him up.
"I told you to follow me... There are traps and I know where they are... Now we have to cross that!"
"It's just one step, milady. Easily done. Here, I'll hold your paw while you cross, then I'll cross next. And I'll let you lead from now on, I promise." He puts one paw over his heart in promise.

It takes them an hour to make it down another ten steps. Yes, an hour! Grey Fur grumbles the whole way about it taking so long, he really does hate to go slow.
Sour Puss sings,
"Oh, poor pirate captain,
now, who's the grumpy one?
Just take the steps like this,
Jump here and then there without a hiss
And soon enough we'll be done."
Finally, they do make it, just when Grey Fur is about to give up. They can see a long hallway ahead of them, with locked doors on either side and meowing come from them all.
"Is that them?" Whispers Grey Fur.
"Yes, that's them... What now?"
"Well, how do we open the doors?"
"The key, of course. But once we open the doors, what's to stop them from imprisoning me?"
"Hm... That's a trick... What's your father's name?"
"Felix. And my mother is Fluffy."
"Ok." He clears his throat. "Which one of you is Felix and Fluffy?"
"We're in here!" A male voice calls out from the farthest door. "Please let us out, we are so hungry and tired of eating wild mice!"
Grey Fur walks to their door and starts singing.
"Now listen up, you two,
You have a litter of truly mean felines
You need to work out something to do
before we will let you out,
Something to keep your children in line,
To bring them in sync and not in rout."
"Yes, yes, of course, we will," Felix responded. "But please, can't you let us out first? It's so hard to think in here."
"I will, but I will warn you that I have a saber, and I'm quite good with it, should you want to try anything tricky."
"Of course, of course!"
Grey Fur looks to Sour Puss, who nods reluctantly, and he unlocks the door, one hand on his saber. Felix bounds out, a bright orange ball of fluff, almost instantly attacking. "Hah! Thought you could fool me, huh?" He shouts.
While Grey Fur easily parries the attack, Felix's fur weighing him down, Fluffy and Sour Puss hug.
"Oh Mother, I've missed you. I'm sorry I didn't let you out, I just didn't want to end up down here, too!"
"I understand, dear, your father and brothers are rather aggressive. I actually enjoyed it down here, I knitted some mittens with your father's shed fur - you know how much he sheds." She holds up a basket full of orange mittens. "It was nice not having the fighting like before..."
"If only Tom hadn't locked you both up together, I would have let you out... I was up there all alone, I didn't know what to do!"
Fluffy pats Sour Puss on the back then scratches behind her ears. Sour Puss purrs. "I know, honey. Now, who's this dashing young cat you have with you?"
"Well, um, that's the pirate captain Grey Fur. After we let you all out, we were going to go on an adventure together, I'm tired of being a princess."
"Oh, that sounds lovely. You know, I almost ran away with a pirate, too, once..."
"What happened?"
"Well, I met your father, and he was rather dashing in his youth... He swept me off my feet. Anyway, I have a plan... If we let your brothers out, your father will be so busy dealing with them that you and your pirate captain can run away together. I have a pouch hidden in my dresser, it has some honey in it and a whole stack of five-pound notes, that should help you out..."
"What about you, Mother?"
"Oh, don't worry about me, I know more than one way to use these." She holds up her knitting needles. "I can handle myself. But I think our time down here may have been good for them all, even though it doesn't seem like it now."
"Ok, then, if you think so... Here's the key." Sour Puss kisses her mother on the cheek, then turns to Grey Fur and Felix, still both in a battle of swords. "Why did Father even have a saber down here?"
Fluffy starts opening doors. "Oh, that's not a saber, dear, it's about twenty mouse femurs knitted together. Any minute now it'll fall apart..." And as if on cue, the pieces clatter to the floor.
"Hah!" Shouts Grey Fur. "No one can best me!"
Sour Puss rushes over. "Quick, time to go!" And as more cats leave their dungeons, she and Grey Fur run to the stairs together. They look back to see fur flying and cats yowling and claws shining in what little light is left.
"Do we have to worry about traps on the way back up?" Grey Fur asks.
"Well, unless you want to fall to your doom..."
"No, I'd rather not... But I have a better idea." He grabs onto Sour Puss, unfolds his wings, and together they fly back to the throne room.